Dramarama it was this morning. Had a bit of a tiff with the bf. Sometimes he makes me think that maybe we are not right for each other. Like how we both just loathe the idea of not having control over the other..I must admit, i do have an issue. Involving him not telling me how he really feels. Its like he's afraid. Afraid of telling me whats right, bcuz i might shut him down. I just wanna noe how he sees me sometimes. Am i that horrible of a gf that he has to tolerate ever so often? This morning story was a real blur really, it all seemed to have happened slowly but yet i can vaguely remember it. As if its so meaningless that my mind refuse to decipher and register it. I was upset. Solely because i felt like i was a bit hard on him, bcuz thats how i am. Defensive. And i do have an ego. Bite me. But its just the things he says sometimes, i noe whatever it is that he said, came across different than he intended, i knew it. But yet i still get madly pissed off. Its like i want the drama. A bit fucked up if you ask me. I dont wanna be the uber sensitive gf. Getting mad all the time, throwing tantrums, silent treatments. Its all so childish. And yet, at times, i feel like, there is no other way for me to get my message across without those gestures backing me up. Just talking aint gonna help. Men just hear you sometimes, they dont listen. a little action will get their attention. Thats how i feel.

Tears a running. I hate crying infront of him. Coz i noe he hates it. I know it hurts me just as much as it hurts him. He said he's always the one saying sorry. Not meaning in  a way that he's always giving in, but more off him being the one thats always upsetting me. He felt at fault for what happened. But i felt thatt i reacted to it in a way that could have been minimized, so i felt we were two at fault. He asked me what i would like him to change about himself. Nothing of course. I love him just the way he is. All the crazy sides to him. Every inch of him is intoxicating. I want him to stay the same. But how is that resolving the problem when him not being able to be serious at times triggers my anger. So we were in his room, not talking, tension arises. I felt like i needed some space, so i left him in the room, when straight out of the hse to my car. Without saying goodbye. Every step was heart wrenching, getting heavier and heavier. He came after me, pulling me back, refusing to let me go. I am a stubborn scorpio, i insisted that i wanted to go home. There we were, early in the morning, standing in a corridor, realising how it would feel like to lose each other. But my heart broke in more ways than i thought it could when he said,

"You made me feel like a stranger who didnt deserve your goodbye".

I did, i left him there. It was like i ran away, from us. Leaving our troubles behind for him to pick up and fix. I am a coward. A coward who is so madly in love with someone who sacrifices his own ego issues, control issues or watever man issues there are, just so he can keep me by his side. He made me promise to never leave him without saying goodbye. When something so simple meant so much to him was when i realised that, above all issues, all egoness, all childish drama, the bickering, the reluctant tolerance, he loves me. And i made him doubt that i feel the same. I can be a fool sometimes, but this time, i was a bigger fool than he can be.