Just as you sail through this turmoil in your life, another one unfolds. What should i do? Maybe being single in easier. Or just stop caring so much, maybe itll hurt less. I thought the past was.. in the past. Why now? Why confuse myself now. I was so sure i was over it. How come the slight mention of him gives me the butterflies. Does one really need closure for one chapter before you can open another? Why cant i just look pass it and move on? I was so sure. Assured. 

Dramarama it was this morning. Had a bit of a tiff with the bf. Sometimes he makes me think that maybe we are not right for each other. Like how we both just loathe the idea of not having control over the other..I must admit, i do have an issue. Involving him not telling me how he really feels. Its like he's afraid. Afraid of telling me whats right, bcuz i might shut him down. I just wanna noe how he sees me sometimes. Am i that horrible of a gf that he has to tolerate ever so often? This morning story was a real blur really, it all seemed to have happened slowly but yet i can vaguely remember it. As if its so meaningless that my mind refuse to decipher and register it. I was upset. Solely because i felt like i was a bit hard on him, bcuz thats how i am. Defensive. And i do have an ego. Bite me. But its just the things he says sometimes, i noe whatever it is that he said, came across different than he intended, i knew it. But yet i still get madly pissed off. Its like i want the drama. A bit fucked up if you ask me. I dont wanna be the uber sensitive gf. Getting mad all the time, throwing tantrums, silent treatments. Its all so childish. And yet, at times, i feel like, there is no other way for me to get my message across without those gestures backing me up. Just talking aint gonna help. Men just hear you sometimes, they dont listen. a little action will get their attention. Thats how i feel.

Tears a running. I hate crying infront of him. Coz i noe he hates it. I know it hurts me just as much as it hurts him. He said he's always the one saying sorry. Not meaning in  a way that he's always giving in, but more off him being the one thats always upsetting me. He felt at fault for what happened. But i felt thatt i reacted to it in a way that could have been minimized, so i felt we were two at fault. He asked me what i would like him to change about himself. Nothing of course. I love him just the way he is. All the crazy sides to him. Every inch of him is intoxicating. I want him to stay the same. But how is that resolving the problem when him not being able to be serious at times triggers my anger. So we were in his room, not talking, tension arises. I felt like i needed some space, so i left him in the room, when straight out of the hse to my car. Without saying goodbye. Every step was heart wrenching, getting heavier and heavier. He came after me, pulling me back, refusing to let me go. I am a stubborn scorpio, i insisted that i wanted to go home. There we were, early in the morning, standing in a corridor, realising how it would feel like to lose each other. But my heart broke in more ways than i thought it could when he said,

"You made me feel like a stranger who didnt deserve your goodbye".

I did, i left him there. It was like i ran away, from us. Leaving our troubles behind for him to pick up and fix. I am a coward. A coward who is so madly in love with someone who sacrifices his own ego issues, control issues or watever man issues there are, just so he can keep me by his side. He made me promise to never leave him without saying goodbye. When something so simple meant so much to him was when i realised that, above all issues, all egoness, all childish drama, the bickering, the reluctant tolerance, he loves me. And i made him doubt that i feel the same. I can be a fool sometimes, but this time, i was a bigger fool than he can be.

So I first heard of Boys like Girls from Lis. Like months ago, way before they made it big with The Great Escape. The song's alright, admittedly its catchy. I do sing along to it. I did youtube it. I even fought with the bf over the laptop just so i can play it. And i also  find out that theres just way too much sugary cavity inducing pop singing and shouting in that damn song. Oh dear god. i shouldt have youtubed it. His face, his singing.. gimme a break. Im over it. Im so over the simple plan clones. Now till i get over The Plain White T's, the bf will jz have to suffer everytime i play it. Pop songs are good at times.Everyone likes a little pop or popping, if u noe what i mean.. ;).


Now now, on updates..since it HAS been a while. Ive been bummin yet again. Eventhough i registered for classes in uni already, im defering my semester till next year. I figured, since ive already missed soo many classes, mind and well just get a new head start next sem right? I noe, its the classic procrastinators self-justification excuse. Well, mind you, all the missing classes aint entirely my fault. Some of the times i didnt have a choice. And no, no choice not meaning im just to lazy to drive to uni from home or dmsara, or too lazy to roll out of bed at 8 in the morning. No choice as in, how my grandma has recently passed away. And lets just say the chinese have a very long elaborated farewell ceremony that doesnt allow me to go ANYWHERE at all. With all respect to my late grandma of coz. Then theres also the familia issues. Nothing new. Im so used to it. All i did was jz ignore it. Ignorance CAN be bliss at times. For my own sake. Call me selfish if u want. But if uve been thru issues like these for 16 years, you would protect urself too.

Other then the low bums in life, i stayed over at the bfs for a week and in that short period of time i have made up my mind that i shall be nobodys housefuckingwife. I hate doing the dishes, they make my fingers smell fishy and oily..yuck. I hate doin laundry coz hangers just dont like me. I must have been a beautiful authentic almighty hanger in my past life, and all the other regular hangers hate me. Thats why their hatred is so huge its carried forward to my current life. Yeah that must be it. And oh boy, dont get me started on folding the clothes! Especially the button down shirts.. Too much work. And doing the bed is just ridiculous if u ask me. I do have a bad excuse for not doing it. My thinking is that why make the bed when i wake up at 4 in the evening and will go back to sleep later? Whats the fucking point? You get the drill?? haha.. So im lazy, atleast i can afford to be. ;p

Now dont be judging me, everyone have their own ways to live their lifes. If yours differ from mine, or if u think im spoilt from the maids i get in my life, then think again,  i manage my own life just like everybody else. No one has their life manage by other ppl, if you do, pls kick yourself in the crotch and build a fucking character. I make decisions on my own, i decide who my real frens are.. I made up my own aspirations, i walk my own path. And i dont need to go around proving to ppl what i am or who i WANT to be. If its me for real, ppl will notice. Pretending makes u stupid not those who you fooled. Ok, ive gone way out of topic.. hehe..